Ask R. Abbi

Hard time.

2008-01-16T05:00:00.000-08:00

I've been having a hard time so I tell myself, to make myself feel better, "I have it so good compared to some", and that fact really brings no comfort. In fact, it always makes me feel worse.

Why?

—Not Helping

Dear Not Helping,

Forcing yourself to say, “I have it good” is a way of denying the pain you feel. It's spiritual-religious masochism.

Let me explain it this way... If you are in pain and I tell you that you aren’t in pain, that wouldn’t help.

So, if you are having a hard time, why would you tell yourself that you have to change your attitude?

If it brings you any comfort at all, you are in very good company. Many people do this.

With love,

R.Abbi

Heaven on my mind

2007-12-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

My non-Jewish sister-in-law asked me about Jews' notion of Heaven and Hell... I realize that's a big question, but if you have a "short answer", I'd be grateful.

— Heaven-on-my-mind.

Dear Heaven-on-my-mind,

Here's a story:

Before a sermon that I gave at a Los Angeles congregation, I asked those in attendance, "By a show of hands, how many of you believe in life-after death?" and about 1/3 of the people raised their hands. I continued, "By a show of hands, how many of you don't believe in life-after death?" and about 1/3 of the people raised their hands. And then I said, "By a show of hands, how many of you aren't certain?" and about 1/3 of the people raised their hands.

"This," I exclaimed, "is exactly why it's impossible for me to answer simple questions like, what do Jews believe about life-after death!"

The same goes for your question.

There is no singular Jewish notion of heaven and hell.

Here is a link to a Jewish web-site that unequivocally states that that Jews do believe in Heaven and Hell. And, one can find web-sites that state otherwise.

The Hebrew Bible doesn't say much about life after death and that which it does say isn't very clear. On the other hand, the writings of Immanuel, the son of Solomon of Rome (c.1261–c.1328), like the writings of Dante, give a pretty impressive tour of hell.

Since the enlightenment, many Jews have tried to expunge archaic non-rational "superstitions" from their philosophy and theology... accordingly, the word on the street is that Jews don't believe in heaven and hell.

So much for the short answer.
(Or, giving you any answer at all.)

With love,

R.Abbi

Guilty

2007-11-14T06:00:00.000-08:00

Dear R.Abbi,

I did something terrible. I kept a secret from someone for so long, and I lied to cover it up, and yesterday guilt over came me and I told my secret and now I think I lost one of the most important people in my life. And I don't know what to do. And I don't know if they'll ever forgive me and I don't know how I can live if they can't.

What do I do?

This is taking every ounce of energy out of me, I feel trapped inside of myself. It's hard for me to function. I'm scared, too, because of threats, because of harsh decisions, because of not knowing. It's not like I've committed an unforgivable sin, and I believe in karma, but I'm not sure if what I did was nearly as bad as what I'm getting for it.

Help me!

-Guilty

Dear Guilty,

The steps to forgiveness are acknowledging the wrong you have done, making an honest amends. You can’t control if your friend will forgive you. You just can’t.

You can acknowledge what you did wrong and promise not to do it again. Then all you can do is listen to hear them and then respect their wishes. If they tell you not to contact you, don’t. If they tell you that they want you to do X, you must think about doing that (or negotiate with them to do something that feels appropriate for you to do).

How you can live with the guilt?

That’s something that only time will tell.

What you can do is to start by living with the guilt.

Live with the gut-wrenching pain in your stomach and don’t do anything to try to make it go away. Live the guilt.

Really.

If it is something that will not go away, you ought to learn what it feels like.

Like when you lost a tooth as a child. You had to re-learn what the contours of your mouth felt like.

Re-learn what you feel like with the guilt.

Be uncomfortable in it.

It’s really the only thing you can do.

With regard to karma... you think you understand how karma works just because you believe in it?

P-lease.

No one understand how karma works . . . Anyone who says they do is lying. Saying you understanding how karma works is like saying you know God’s true name.

With love,

R.Abbi

Hoosgawdennewhey

2007-10-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

Dear R.Abbi,
I see that some people write G-d instead of God. Why?
-Hoosgawdennewhey.

Dear Hoosgawdennewhey -

As far as I know, this tradition is rooted in the ancient Hebrew Torah scrolls where in lieu of writing out God's name, placeholder letters were used instead. The same is done in English.

Let's look at two possible explanations given for why this was done in ancient days:

1) Were someone to "know" God's true name, they would have dominion over God. So, a placeholder was used instead.

2) It was considered disrespectful to destroy anything with God's name written on it. So again, a placeholder was used instead.

Personally, I think that worrying about how we write God's name is goofy — it's like debating the exact grit of the sand on the beach and missing the splendor of the sunset.

What we call God doesn't matter. How we write the letters we use as the placeholder for God's name doesn't matter.

What matters is that we are in a real relationship with God.

With love,

-R.Abbi

What does the word "Torah" mean?

2007-09-12T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear R.Abbi,
Would you please tell me what people mean when they use the word "Torah"? I've heard it explained differently by different people.
-- Curious about Torah

Dear Curious about Torah,

You've got reason to be a bit confused — Torah can means a lot of different things . . . and not just because every Jew has a different opinion on the subject.

I'm going to give a full answer.

Torah is kind of like earth. You know how “earth” refers to the planet we are on as well as the stuff that the whole planet is made of? Well, similarly, Torah refers to a whole and the many parts of that whole.

Let's start small and get bigger.

There's the scroll with the five books of Moses, that's the Torah. (And, whether Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy are in one book or in their easily recognizable scroll formats, these books in this order is still referred to as the Torah.)

Where it gets tricky is when the Torah-scroll Torah is contained in the larger work. All the stuff in the Bible — the first five books just mentioned and all the rest of the books of the Hebrew Bible — comprise what is sometimes referred to as 'the written Torah.'

And then, there is what is referred to as the 'oral Torah' which contains all the canonical Jewish texts written down after 'the written Torah' was recorded. (So, why is it called "oral" if it was written down? Because — and go with me on this one — it is taught that Moses received this stuff too, but it was not written down until later. God told all of it — written Torah and oral Torah — to Moses, Moses told it to Joshua and it got relayed to the elders from generation to generation. The written Torah was written down and the oral Torah was just told from elder to elder until people were afraid that this "oral" Torah would be lost or corrupted, so they wrote it down too.) The "Oral Torah" contains the Talmud, which was recorded between 200 and 500 CE.

But the Oral Torah contains more that that, too! Oral Torah also includes the law codes of the 1100's, the 1400's, and today's laws (like whether or not it's kosher to have an internet server work on the Sabbath).

And finally, let's widen the lens one more time: Torah means learning.

So, whether you believe that the entirety of the Torah was given to Moses, whether there was a Moses, whether there was a God, whether there is a God, whether your head is spinning with how much there is to know, whether or not you know anything . . . TORAH is about learning.

Keep on learning,

-R.Abbi

Searching

2007-08-22T11:38:00.000-07:00

Dear R. Abbi,

I saw you on Between the Lines with Barry Kibrick and found you very interesting.

I want to do something for the greater good, can you help me find my way?

To be honest, I'm not even sure what that means — but I do know that I want to be able to help others in a meaningful way.

I'm an artist and although some people like my work and are sometimes moved, I'm not sure that qualifies as a worthwhile legacy for my life here on earth.

Where do I begin?

Sincerely,

Searching.

Dear Searching,

Thank you for your e-mail.

To quote Maria from The Sound of Music, “Let’s start from the very beginning. That’s a very good place to start.”

I think you should begin right where you are.

But it’s an uncomfortable place to be, isn’t it?

Would that you had a lofty goal . . . how much easier that would be!

For example, if you knew that by 2010 you wanted to have your art in five prominent galleries with proceeds from the sales raising $500,000 for AIDS awareness . . . well, then you would have a compass bearing, an orientation, and a specific goal to work toward.

However, you don’t have your direction yet and that’s what is uncomfortable.

So, another way answer to your question is that you should start by being uncomfortable.

I wish I could be the guy to give you all the answers. But, as you may have guessed, you are the only one who has the answers. Rest assured, it’s completely appropriate that you don’t know them yet.

After all, you’re just beginning to form the questions!

The following is a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke:

Try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books written in a foreign language. Do not now look for the answers. They cannot now be given to you because you could not live them. It is a question of experiencing everything. At present you need to live the question. Perhaps you will gradually, without even noticing it, find yourself experiencing the answer, some distant day.

I suggest the following prescriptive exercise, if you’d like to work on it. Try writing out the words of the above poem once in the morning and once in the evening every day for the next week. (And if you want, check back in and tell me how it goes.)

Of course, should you find a path that works better for you — like making a sculptural interpretation, dancing it out, or painting it — that works too . . .

Be the artist that you are called to be.

With love,

R. Abbi.

Death & Suffering.

2007-07-28T13:13:00.000-07:00

Dear R. Abbi,

In my work with hospice, I often wonder why people have to endure pain and suffering on their deathbed. Coming from an Irish Catholic background, I still today get the message that suffering and pain is the only way to absolve oneself of the "original sin" bestowed upon us. Despite much work on my part to dispel this myth, when I am present for a particularly diffcult death, I go right back to that premise. I really need to break this pattern. Any suggestions?

- Euthanatos

Dear Euthanatos -

Augustine of Hippo is widely attributed with coining the notion of “original sin.” My read on the genesis story (and I would say that of most modern scholars) does not concur with the horrific theology that stems from this line of thinking — that God is cruel and un-just.

I would ask you to instead of wondering what St. Augustine might think, to consider instead, “What Would Jesus Do?”

And, I know the answer to that.

It’s one you know too: have compassion for the person who is dying and lovingly witness to them their pain. And, equally importantly, have compassion and love for yourself.

You are doing holy work.

With love,

R.Abbi.

NT2Jew

2007-06-27T10:25:00.000-07:00

Dear R. Abbi -

How much does it bother you when Christians quote the New Testament to you? We've seen Jews in conversations when this happens explain they don't adhere to the New Testament and don't find it authoritative anymore than most Christians look to the Apocrypha for guidance. But we have Jewish friends who remind us that the majority of the NT (New Testament) is quoting the Torah (Old Testament) anyway so they don't get too annoyed -- except for that Yoshea-is-the-Messiah thing. What say you?

-- NT2JEW

Dear NT2Jew,

What a wonderful question.

Let me answer it with another question, "Why should I be offended or bothered?"

I think we as religious people need to keep our eyes on the prize, so to speak.

Differences in what we call our Holy Books (whether you call it "The Gospel," "The Talmud," or "The Qur’an") or what words are contained in each don't really matter when you keep your focus on the greater goal: to live a life in concert with (the) God (of our understanding).

Us and them is a wonderful way to establish a false sense of self. Moreover, it separates us from each other. The goal, when you really think about it, isn't to be a part from, it's being a part of.

With regard to that "Yoshea-is-the-Messiah thing," I know of Christians who don't believe this and Jews who do. To me, it's about the goal . . . love, feeling satisfied, peace-filled, etc.

With eyes on the prize –

R. Abbi

N. Joy Burger

2007-05-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

Dear R.Abbi,

In-N-Out Burger just opened a branch next to my store and it is great. Everyone that works there is very pleasant and the food along with the fries are as fresh as can be.

But I just recently found out something and want to know your opinion: on the bottom of each cup is printed John 3:16.

When I looked this up it said: "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."

Also on the wrapper of the hamburger it has Nahum 1:7 printed on it which when I looked it up it said: "The Lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble; He knows those who take refuge in Him."

So basically In-N-Out is saying that if you accept Jesus Christ (no matter how good you are) you will have eternal life but if you do not believe (even if you led a perfect life) you will basically go to hell.

Do you think, being Jewish, that I should not go to In-N-Out?

N. Joy Burger

Dear N. Joy Burger

Really, do you care? Or is this a case of thinking that being Jewish means "not" being Christian and dissociating yourself from all things Christian?

I’ve had wonderful meals at Hare Krishna restaurants and I’ve had crappy meals at kosher restaurants. Personally, I don't think the theology of the chef has much to do with the quality of the meal.

Moreover, ethically and morally, In-N-Out Burger scores the highest of any hamburger chain: they pay their employees well and use meat that is far healthier. (Check out Eric Schlosser's book and documentary Fast Food Nation for all the fascinating details.)

With regard to the quotes, I like the Nahum quote, don’t you? And with regard to John 3:16, I'd advise that you "take what you like and leave the rest . . ." You don't want to believe that Jesus is the son of God and that he died for your sins, that's fine. But the idea that God loves you, me, and all the world is a pretty groovy idea. . .

Next time you see a wrapper with some theology you aren't certain you agree with, I think you should take a moment to think about how blessed you are in your life. That you have the ability to make choices. That you can choose to eat there or not.

Finally, be careful you don’t raise your cholesterol too high by eating there too much.

R. Abbi

Angered In His Name

2007-05-22T13:24:00.000-07:00

Dear R. Abbi, I'm so put off by the horrible things done in the name of organized religion that I want nothing to do with it. What do you say to that? -Angered-in-His-Name.

Dear Angered-in-His-Name,

I certainly admit that some pretty terrible things have been done in the name of religion. (I'd be a fool not to.) But declaring that this is the reason not to have anything to do with religion is not a really well thought out argument.

Let me explain:

Even though awful things have been done in the name of organized religions, they have been responsible for some good things as well, no?

At this point, I know some readers are saying: "What good things!?!" If you can't think of any examples on your own - which indicates that you possibly have quite a bit of baggage with regard to organized religion - let me give you two to begin with: 1) organized religions routinely feed the hungry and 2) give hope to the downtrodden.

Atrocious acts have also been committed in the name of Communism, Nazism, Capitalism, and Democracy - none of which are associated with religion.

Consequently, as "religion-free" organizations have also inspired equally heinous acts, we know that religion isn't really the true culprit. (So, then what is to blame for evil? Ah, that's a whole other discussion . . .)

Doing something in the name of something else doesn't make the named something responsible. Ronald Reagan was shot at in the hopes of impressing Jodi Foster. I don't know of any people who won't watch her movies because of this.

Moreover, do you really think that the Catholic Irish Republican Army took up arms against the Protestant English simply because of divergent opinions with regard to the Holy Trinity? Perhaps other issues, like land and power, have had something to do with it too?)

So, Angered-in-His-Name, don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

There is a four-letter word a Jesuit priest taught me that I want to share with you: some.

Some is a very important concept we often forget about.

We don't like everything, but we do like some. We don't need everything, but we do need some. We don't hate everything, but we do hate some.

Certainly there might be parts of organized religion that you don't like or that don't work for you. But, I would suggest, instead of closing your mind to all of it, that you make a conscious effort to look for "some" parts of it that are redeeming . . .

With love, R. Abbi