Hard time.

I've been having a hard time so I tell myself, to make myself feel better, "I have it so good compared to some", and that fact really brings no comfort. In fact, it always makes me feel worse.

Why?

—Not Helping

Dear Not Helping,

Forcing yourself to say, “I have it good” is a way of denying the pain you feel. It's spiritual-religious masochism.

Let me explain it this way... If you are in pain and I tell you that you aren’t in pain, that wouldn’t help.

So, if you are having a hard time, why would you tell yourself that you have to change your attitude?

If it brings you any comfort at all, you are in very good company. Many people do this.

With love,

R.Abbi

Guilty

Dear R.Abbi,

I did something terrible. I kept a secret from someone for so long, and I lied to cover it up, and yesterday guilt over came me and I told my secret and now I think I lost one of the most important people in my life. And I don't know what to do. And I don't know if they'll ever forgive me and I don't know how I can live if they can't.

What do I do?

This is taking every ounce of energy out of me, I feel trapped inside of myself. It's hard for me to function. I'm scared, too, because of threats, because of harsh decisions, because of not knowing. It's not like I've committed an unforgivable sin, and I believe in karma, but I'm not sure if what I did was nearly as bad as what I'm getting for it.

Help me!

-Guilty

Dear Guilty,

The steps to forgiveness are acknowledging the wrong you have done, making an honest amends. You can’t control if your friend will forgive you. You just can’t.

You can acknowledge what you did wrong and promise not to do it again. Then all you can do is listen to hear them and then respect their wishes. If they tell you not to contact you, don’t. If they tell you that they want you to do X, you must think about doing that (or negotiate with them to do something that feels appropriate for you to do).

How you can live with the guilt?

That’s something that only time will tell.

What you can do is to start by living with the guilt.

Live with the gut-wrenching pain in your stomach and don’t do anything to try to make it go away. Live the guilt.

Really.

If it is something that will not go away, you ought to learn what it feels like.

Like when you lost a tooth as a child. You had to re-learn what the contours of your mouth felt like.

Re-learn what you feel like with the guilt.

Be uncomfortable in it.

It’s really the only thing you can do.

With regard to karma... you think you understand how karma works just because you believe in it?

P-lease.

No one understand how karma works . . . Anyone who says they do is lying. Saying you understanding how karma works is like saying you know God’s true name.

With love,

R.Abbi

Death & Suffering.

Dear R. Abbi,

In my work with hospice, I often wonder why people have to endure pain and suffering on their deathbed. Coming from an Irish Catholic background, I still today get the message that suffering and pain is the only way to absolve oneself of the "original sin" bestowed upon us. Despite much work on my part to dispel this myth, when I am present for a particularly diffcult death, I go right back to that premise. I really need to break this pattern. Any suggestions?

- Euthanatos

---

Dear Euthanatos -

Augustine of Hippo is widely attributed with coining the notion of “original sin.” My read on the genesis story (and I would say that of most modern scholars) does not concur with the horrific theology that stems from this line of thinking — that God is cruel and un-just.

I would ask you to instead of wondering what St. Augustine might think, to consider instead, “What Would Jesus Do?”

And, I know the answer to that.

It’s one you know too: have compassion for the person who is dying and lovingly witness to them their pain. And, equally importantly, have compassion and love for yourself.

You are doing holy work.

With love,

R.Abbi.